I'm probably not going to write in here for a longggggg time. i think i'm going to make another one though, but it's only going to be of my writing. like stories, poems or whatever i write. i think it would be more interesting then this. seriously.

I WANT TO GO TO BOSTON.



i don't know why but i've been having that feeling you get when you want to experience something new for a while. I need a break from this town and these faces. I need something new and something i haven't seen before. I need to experience a different town with different faces.

I’m starting to crave new beginnings

brighter memories, and

happy endings...









I crave change.

I always push people away. Because if i let myself get attached to them then i will only get my hopes up and i'll eventually get hurt. That's how it goes usually. But what happens when the person you tried to push away wouldn't freaking go anywhere?

Marry me Juliet, You'll never have to be alone...

I wish i could change myself. Have a different personality. Because who i am is not who i want to be. I don't want to be afraid to be in a relationship. I don't want to be afraid of taking chances. I'm sick of being afraid of everything. I feel like I'm in a freaking bubble and it just doesn't pop. I hate when i have those really high points once every other month and i feel like i can do everything and anything. I feel really infinite at that moment but then it goes away for awhile. I hate it so much. I feel like I'm a really weird person and I'm hiding from who i really am. I guess i can never be happy? I feel alone like no one could possibly understand my thoughts or feelings. I mean who could blame ya? I'm a very peculiar person.


once again this wasn't worth your time.

the phillies won.
i think that cole hamels is pretty cute :)
too bad he's married though, ugh.


work was good tonight. a few people made my day :)
i got my paycheck and i'm actually content with working there now.

i'm currently confused and don't know what to do.

now i'm gonna go and eat my dinner.

peace.

It's just like starting over.

I'm in need of a change. MAJORLY. I want new clothes, new friends, new hair color and new practically everything. I'm sick of the same old shit. The clothes that are just thrown around in my closet that i NEVER wear. The "friends" who say they will always be there one day but then the next they fuck you over. my hair is gross looking. it's about a thousand different colors and makes me look blah. some guy came into work and said that my hair compliments my face. THAT'S when i decided i want to cut my hair off and dye it a different color. what a creeper he was.

I just want a fresh new start.

WORST BIRTHDAY EVER.

stupid so called best friends.
stupid weather.
stupid day.

stupid.stupid.stupid.


i seriously hate my life.

October 27th, 2008

Another year older and nothing feels different. It's hard to believe i'm nineteen.
I feel like crying. I don't want to grow up because i know i will screw up my life. I feel like everyone is forgetting my birthday. My friends haven't said anything to me and it just doesn't feel the same. I feel invisable. I really hope tomorrow is a good day. But i'm not doing anything so i'm guessing it will just be boring.


Another year older and everything feels the same....

Tomorrow is my birthday :)(:

I've decided to give my job another chance after i saw my first pay check. Wednesday night i had a nervous break down because i felt so much pressure and stress with being a cashier i felt like i couldn't handle it. I wanted to quit. But the next day i went in with a bad mood and the outcome of the night was pretty good. For once i actually had fun working. I think that's what made me want to stay. Well, between having fun and my pay check. I've learned that you're going to have good days and you're going to have bad days, that the customers aren't always nice and easy to talk to, and that i have to keep in mind that every Thursday when i get my pay check, it's all worth it.

Monday is my birthday and it doesn't feel like it. I'm not celebrating it this year so i guess that could be why. I feel like people are forgetting that it's my birthday and i don't like that feeling very much. I wish i was five again so i could get tons of presents and all of them would be toys. But i'm not a little girl anymore and that makes me want to cry. I don't wanna grow up.

I also have been feeling like i'm drifting away from all of my close/best friends and i don't like that feeling very much either. I guess that's what happens when you get older. You learn what it is that you want and sometimes you and your friends aren't compatible anymore. It's sad but it's the way life goes and i guess i have to accept that. I hate losing friends. but not as much as i hate growing up.

Hate is a strong word but i really really don't like you.

Well i've only be working as a cashier for four days (today will be my fifth) and i absolutely hate it. I was all happy and optimistic before i got the job but now i'm just in a bad mood and always upset. I hate it. I need to find a new job asap. but the only problem with that is there is no where around here that is hiring so i'm gonna have to stick it out for a little while longer (probably a few more months) and save as much money as i can. At least i get my pay check tomorrow.



jdshsajdfhksfsh;;;
I want to go back to high school.

This is the life.

I got the job :)
I start Sunday morning and i don't even care that i have to wake up at 7 to be there.
I'm so excited to get money now and meet new people. I feel like i'm finally taking charge of my life and getting things together. Maybe i'll even be able to start taking classes in the spring?


Life is so amazing right now and i'm so excited for everything to start taking off.

twenty two.

This weekend was pretty sweet. Friday i had to go to Redner's for a job interview that i was hella nervous about but it was super easy. Then yesterday i got to hang out with my best fraand Tara. We went to pottstown for a band competition that her boyfriend was in. It was pretty fun. I love long drives with the music turned up and just singing in the car with my best friend. I live for those nights. I hate that i don't get to see her as much as i used to but when i do we always have a great time and make the most of it.

I was hoping to just relax since it's Sunday, "the day of rest" but of course i can't. I have a lot of things to get done before this week. I figure that i'll be working at my new job within two weeks. So that means i'll be having my own money for once. It's about time.

uh! twenty two more days and then i'm 19. I don't want to grow up.

start of something new.

I went for my first job interview today and i was unbearably nervous. I'm not a people person at all but i really need a job and money so i have to work sometime in my life. It went okay for the most part. The manager asked me to talk about myself which is definitely not my favorite topic especially while being nervous. Not a great mix if you ask me. After being interviewed, i had to go into a back room to answer 90 honesty questions. Then he said that he would be in touch with me in a few days. I'm really nervous and i have this uneasy feeling. I hope i get this job because most of my friends work there. So i wouldn't be too uncomfortable. But then again since i might be a cashier, i would have to deal with a lot of people. One of my weaknesses.
My horoscope fits me perfectly today which is freaky. It usually always fits into my life and i just don't understand how it's usually always right. Anyways, here it is:

"You are standing on the threshold of a new phase in your life and you may be feeling a combination of excitement and fear. You know that you can no longer rely on your old ways of doing things. It's time to leave your ingrained habits behind and try something new. You'll feel better about yourself as you step away from the familiar and into the unknown."

So weird how it seems to be right.

Boringness.

I haven't written for a while. Well, maybe to you it's only a couple of days but to me, it feels like a while. Today is the second day of October and I'm really happy. Only 25 more days and i'll be 19. It's the last year in the teenage years and i'm kinda depressed about it. I hate getting older. I wish on each birthday you could get younger instead of older. That would be an interesting experience.

Tomorrow is October 3rd and i'm so glad that it will finally be over because for over a month now everything seems to revolve around that date. Whether it be movies coming out, get togethers with friends or family, or just anything really. It's all on October 3rd. Can't they pick another day?

I don't really have much else to say. Nothing new is going on.

yay, for a boring life.

Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.

I'm having one of those days. You know what i mean. When you wake up at ten o'clock and you don't feel like doing anything so you lay back down and you feel so comfortable that you don't want to move and then you end up sleeping until 2:30 in the afternoon. When you put the radio on and you find a really great song that you haven't heard in a long time only to find out it was the end of that great song. The day when you feel crappy because the weather is crappy and you don't have a choice to be in a good mood. When you are really hungry for something that isn't in your kitchen and you don't have any money to your name so you can buy it. The day when all you want to do is go back to sleep and keep dreaming about that one person that you haven't dreamed about for a long time and you don't understand how you could ever have stopped. Yeah, i'm having one of those days.

Finally.

So today was pretty sweet. I had to get up early to go to norristown so i could get my permit and I.D. card. And i passed my permit :) Yeah, i was pretty stoked. I'm totally terrified to drive though. So, i'm just gonna wait on that one.

Uhm, tonight i got to chill with megan and zach and i guess you could say todd too. I haven't really seen any of them for a long freaking time. So, it was pretty nice.

I'm so tired and worn out so i think i'm just gonna pass out now.

peace.


p.s. sorry for the past two blogs. they're kinda long i'll try not to write a freaking book the next time. :)

I feel it in the air the summer’s out of reach

I couldn't sleep last night or should i say this morning. I found myself staring out my window at 2 a.m. I looked at the world while everyone was asleep. Everything seemed so perfect. The stars were bright and scattered across the dark sky. I smelled the freshness of the air. The crickets were speaking to one another and it was the perfect soundtrack to all of my thoughts. It seems almost impossible that at that moment while i was thinking how much beauty there was in the world, there was someone or something trying to tell me otherwise. At that moment, someone was being beaten by someone they think loves them, someone was lost and just trying to be found, at that moment someone was crying and hurting themselves just to take the pain away. Someone was being born while someone else has died. It seems so unfair that they can't look upt to the sky and see the same stars that i see and realize that there is hope. You don't always have to hurt. You don't always have to be alone.

There is a quote that i found and it kind of goes with what i was thinking.

"Right now...Somebody is very proud of you. Somebody is thinking of you. Somebody is caring about you. Somebody misses you. Somebody wants to talk to you. Somebody wants to be with you. Somebody hopes you aren't in trouble. Somebody is thankful for the support you have provided. Somebody wants to hold your hand. Somebody hopes everything turns out all right. Somebody wants you to be happy. Somebody wants you to find him/her. Somebody is celebrating your successes. Somebody wants to give you a gift. Somebody thinks that you ARE a gift. Somebody hopes you're not too cold, or too hot. Somebody wants to hug you. Somebody loves you. Somebody admires your strength. Somebody is thinking of you and smiling. Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on. Somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun. Somebody thinks the world of you. Somebody wants to protect you. Somebody would do anything for you. Somebody wants to be forgiven. Somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there. Somebody is praising God for you. Somebody needs to know that your love is unconditional. Somebody values your advice. Somebody wants to tell you how much they care. Somebody wants to share their dreams with you. Somebody wants to hold you in their arms. Somebody wants YOU to hold them in your arms. Somebody treasures your spirit. Somebody wishes they could STOP time because of you. Somebody praises God for your friendship and love. Somebody can't wait to see you. Somebody loves you for who you are. Somebody loves the way you make them feel. Somebody wants you to know they are there for you. Somebody's glad that you're his/her friend. Somebody wants to be your friend. Somebody stayed up all night thinking about you. Somebody is alive because of you. Somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her. Somebody wants to get to know you better. Somebody wants to be near you. Somebody has faith in you. Somebody trusts you. Somebody needs you to send them this letter. Somebody needs your support. Somebody needs you to have faith in them. Somebody will cry when they read this. Somebody needs you to let them be your friend. Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you."

If only more people in this world would read this quote and believed it. If only more people would look up at the stars each night and be aware that even though they are small compared to how big this world is, they still matter. Maybe after that, they wouldn't feel so lost or alone. Maybe there would be less pain and more hope in the world.

And it was that perfect moment that made me have this thought. Almost too perfect it seemed. Then a noisy car passed and it seemed like the perfect moment had vanished. I guess that's proof that nothing lasts forever. No matter how perfect it may be. It can all be gone with a blink of an eye. So, we shouldn't take anything for granted.

In a few moments, Summer will gracefully leave us and Autumn will be here. I couldn't be more happier if i tried. I am so looking forward to this season. Like i've said many times, it's my favorite and i wish it would stay forever. It's when the air isn't too cold or too hot and it's fresh and crisp. The leaves change their color as if someone went up to them and painted them by hand. They fall to the ground one by one so delicately and even though they're dead, they cover the ground so perfectly and when you step on them you hear that crunch sound. That's like music to my ears. The smell of burning leaves always puts me in a good mood and it reminds me of being a little girl again. Fall is the most beautiful season as it's the season of change. It's just wonderful and it makes me feel alive. However, along with fall comes change. Something i'm trying to get used to. Fall is the season of changes. People go back to school changed due to their summer experiences just like the leaves change their color because they no longer have the right amount of chlorophyll. But not only do the seasons and people change but so does expectations, love and friendship. No matter how much faith you have in something or someone, sometimes something big or small happens that makes you question what you thought about it or them before and it helps you define what you really believe in. Life never stays the same. It's constantly full of changes whether we like it or not. That's what keeps it interesting and challenging. Because without change, what kind of life would this be?

Don't let another day go by my love, It'll be just like starting over.

Enjoy your youth and act your age. Be young and laugh too much. You're inexperienced, immature and still growing. Don't rush to grow up, when it's too late you'll want to turn back. No one expects you to have all the answers or make all the right decisions, you still have time to learn and know what's best for you. Never take the ones closest to you for granted. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Say things you never would, do things you never thought you'd see yourself doing. Take risks and don't regret them. Never look back on your past and call your actions mistakes, the experience may have been bad but the outcome was positive, you learned from it - its from the worst experiences, we learn the best. Be loyal. Don't be wreckless with people's hearts and don't waste your time on people who are wreckless with yours. Don't take people for granted and never intentionally hurt one. Never get into something until you know you're ready and know what you want. It takes work, time and patience for a good relationship to develop. Respect others privacy and even if you don't like them, respect them as a person. Don't waste your time with jealousy, always think positive. You're not perfect - sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. In the end all you've got is yourself. Never degrade yourself or others around you. Remember the compliments you received, not the insults. Don't compare what you have to what everyone else around you has. Be happy with yourself - you've been granted the gift of living, the greatest gift of all. Make the most of it. Remember that as long as you're happy, nothing else matters. Be confident and have faith in yourself. Know what's best for you and believe in yourself because if you don't, you don't have control of your life anymore, everyone else around you does, so be strong, don't let one lead the life you're living. Never take someone else's advice. Advice is another's opinion, create your own. Live your own experiences and develop your own words of advice to live by. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Throwing it away is a way for you to walk back in to your past, fish it out, touch it up to use it for more than it's worth. It's only during the times we suffer, we realize our strength. Be considerate of others and never assume before you know the facts. Never be surprised at the fact that you're not perfect, you have ups and downs about you and it's difficult to hear them, but sometimes we need to in order to re-assess ourselves and be truthful. You are the only one who knows yourself the best, don't hide what you are or who are you - you may see the flaws in yourself, but making it apparent makes it easier for everyone else around you to notice. Understand the people you're with, see things from another's point of view, be empathic and try to become stoic, you'll end up never hurting yourself and becoming self-assertive. You may not always want to be the one who tells the truth when it doesn't want to be heard, but sometimes it helps one realize themselves. Don't set foot into your past, recreating the past and trying to fix it affects your future. Love who you are, be who you are and have self-respect. Be happy with yourself!

+ I came across that earlier today and it made me feel good about myself. Which is something i haven't done in a long time. It makes me want to start to "live" and not take anything for granted. For awhile i felt like i just sit around my house doing nothing. Not hangout with anyone, go anywhere or do anything but it's time for a change. I need to start living, i need to start over. Fall starts on monday so, that's going to be my goal. To start living, loving and enjoying my life because who knows when it's going to be over. I'm almost 19 and i haven't done half the things other kids my age have done. It's time to change that. From now on, i'm going to live by a quote that i made up. "Life is for the living, I'll sleep when i'm dead."

You better let somebody love you before it's too late.

I don't let anyone in. Well ok, maybe i should rephrase that sentence. I never let any guys in. I'm too afraid. I'm not really sure of what exactly. is it of being hurt? that i might freak and run the other way again? that it won't work out? that i would just get tired of them? or too afraid that my "space" would be invaded? the space that i've had to myself for almost 19 years. I don't know what my problem is. Seriously, i'm mad weird, dontcha think? I'm starting to think that maybe i wasn't built to be with someone. Maybe i was built to be single for the rest of my life. I just can't handle being with someone. Don't get me wrong it would be nice to be with someone and have someone care about me and be able to do all those cute couple things but it's just all awkward at the same time.

I guess i just haven't found anyone that lives up to the expectations i have for what my first real boyfriend should be like. I mean i've liked guys and they've liked me but i just can't go to the next step. Every guy that i've like has let me down in one way or another and i'm just sick of it. I just don't think any guy is ever good enough.

Maybe it's because i can't understand why anyone would love me enough for me to be their girlfriend. Like i don't know how i'd be able to handle the constant phone calls, the dates, and all of the things you have to do when you're in a relationship. It's seems so....committed? I hate saying that i'm afraid of committment if that's what it is. Because saying that, is like i just would rather be with lots of guys and i don't. I'd would rather stay with one guy but that's committing, isn't it?

Or, maybe i'm this way because i haven't seen one example of a good relationship in my life that i can learn from. Now as in good i don't mean fairytale perfect but good. You know where the couple who fights but in the end they still love each other. The one where no matter what happens they'll always be there for each other because that's what you do when you care about someone, right?

Now i'm not blaming all of this on all of the dysfunctional relationships i've seen in my life but i'm just saying maybe that has something to do with it, if anything at all. I just feel so lame that i'm 18 almost 19 and i haven't been able to have one boyfriend.

this was all pretty much pointless and a waste of your time.

i'm sorry.

Glory days well they'll pass you by in the wink of a young girl's eye.

I can't wait till fall. I can't wait to watch the leaves change their color. I can't wait until i can wear all of my fall clothes again. There's something about fall that i'm in love with. The change, the feeling of familiarity. Maybe it's because i was born at the end of October. I don't know. All i know is that i'm in love with fall and wish it would be all year around. Fall makes me happy, it makes me feel alive.

Just like listening to the music i grew up around. Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen and Meat Loaf were always filling the rooms in my old house. Now, no matter where i am all i have to do is listen to them and i feel like i'm home again. They make me feel safe and happy. That's the kind of music that makes me want to jump around or run through a field of wild flowers without a care in the world. I absolutely love that feeling. Just as much as i love fall. I wish i had a free spirit. The girl that wears the cute thrift store clothing and her beat up converse twenty four of seven. The one that has a creative mind and loves to be outside. The fun, easy going, unique, genuinally pretty girl. The one that listens to indie music while writing in her journal every second she can. The one who doesn't care what people say about her and stays out of drama. The one who isn't boy crazy and constantly playing their games. The one who believes in herself and is always optimistic. The girl who loves life and is filled with life. Yeah, i want to be that girl.

If you really want to hear about it...

"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."

There were three girls standing on the sidewalk infront of my house. They seemed to be between the ages of 9-12. They were trying to get every car that passed them to honk for them. Every time that one did, they would get so happy and high five eachother then wait for the next car. After staring out the window at them for a few minutes, i started remembering all of the things that i did with my friends when i was their age. Playing kickball until dark, going to the bike trail, catching lightning bugs and getting ice cream from the ice cream man almost every summer night. All of these memories came rushing back and i just stood there still looking out at the girls'. Wondering if they knew what is ahead of them. What challenges they would be faced with in their life not to mention in the next couple of years. It's kind of like i had a Catcher in the Rye moment if you will. It made me sad to know that they are so innocent now but give them a few years and they won't be innocent anymore. Someone or something will take their innocence from them. And then they'll be like everyone else in this world.

At that moment when i realized this, i wish i could do what Holden Caulfield wanted to do. Catch them. As if they were running and if they weren't careful enough, they could fall of the cliff. But they wouldn't because i would be the one to catch them and save them all. But i guess you can't be responsible for one's innocence but your own. But even then, you're screwed.

You wonder when and where, and how you're gonna make it.

I definitely can't keep up with this thing at all. It's been over a month since i wrote in it last and nothing life changing has happened. I filled out an application for weis and now i just have to hand it in and wait. I think i finalized my plans for college. As of right now I've decided to go to Kutztown and possibly major in English. I want to become a writer so that would probably be my best option. This past Thursday i got a tooth pulled. It wasn't as bad as i thought it would be but it was also no walk in the park either. Summer is ending and the majority of my friends are going back to school. BUMMER! I wish i was still in high school again. EVERYTHING was so much easier. Now I'm faced with harsh reality. YUM! I have my "perfect" life/future planned out. But i have to do a lot to get to where i want to be. I just hope that i can get there and really achieve my goals. I don't want to be stuck at home working all my life. I want to experience life and grab every opportunity i can. Life's too short to just sit and watch it float on by.

Now make a wish, take a chance, make a change.

I'm looking for change. I want to break out of the shell I have been in all my life. I want to meet new people, see places I've never seen and do things I've never done before. I want to have the life I've always wanted. Lately, I've been looking into colleges that I would like to go to in the near future. You see, I have planned my life for the next five or six years. This upcoming school year 2008-2009, I'm going to be working either full time or part time so i can save tons of money. Then, in the fall of 2009 I will take classes at MCCC (Montgomery County Community College) just to get me started. I might stay there for one year or maybe two. I'm not quite sure at this point. After I have finished the classes there, I would like to transfer to a four year college. I'm also not sure on which college to attend either. I would like to go somewhere that isn't exactly close to home. So I can get a taste of what life on my own is like. In the mean time, I would like to finally get off my butt and study for my permit and then eventually get my licence. I don't know what has gotten into me though. It seems as though i'm a bit hungry for change but I guess there's nothing wrong with that. After being all emotional and frightened about graduating high school, I'm finally ready to live my life.