I don't let anyone in. Well ok, maybe i should rephrase that sentence. I never let any guys in. I'm too afraid. I'm not really sure of what exactly. is it of being hurt? that i might freak and run the other way again? that it won't work out? that i would just get tired of them? or too afraid that my "space" would be invaded? the space that i've had to myself for almost 19 years. I don't know what my problem is. Seriously, i'm mad weird, dontcha think? I'm starting to think that maybe i wasn't built to be with someone. Maybe i was built to be single for the rest of my life. I just can't handle being with someone. Don't get me wrong it would be nice to be with someone and have someone care about me and be able to do all those cute couple things but it's just all awkward at the same time.
I guess i just haven't found anyone that lives up to the expectations i have for what my first real boyfriend should be like. I mean i've liked guys and they've liked me but i just can't go to the next step. Every guy that i've like has let me down in one way or another and i'm just sick of it. I just don't think any guy is ever good enough.
Maybe it's because i can't understand why anyone would love me enough for me to be their girlfriend. Like i don't know how i'd be able to handle the constant phone calls, the dates, and all of the things you have to do when you're in a relationship. It's seems so....committed? I hate saying that i'm afraid of committment if that's what it is. Because saying that, is like i just would rather be with lots of guys and i don't. I'd would rather stay with one guy but that's committing, isn't it?
Maybe it's because i can't understand why anyone would love me enough for me to be their girlfriend. Like i don't know how i'd be able to handle the constant phone calls, the dates, and all of the things you have to do when you're in a relationship. It's seems so....committed? I hate saying that i'm afraid of committment if that's what it is. Because saying that, is like i just would rather be with lots of guys and i don't. I'd would rather stay with one guy but that's committing, isn't it?
Or, maybe i'm this way because i haven't seen one example of a good relationship in my life that i can learn from. Now as in good i don't mean fairytale perfect but good. You know where the couple who fights but in the end they still love each other. The one where no matter what happens they'll always be there for each other because that's what you do when you care about someone, right?
Now i'm not blaming all of this on all of the dysfunctional relationships i've seen in my life but i'm just saying maybe that has something to do with it, if anything at all. I just feel so lame that i'm 18 almost 19 and i haven't been able to have one boyfriend.
this was all pretty much pointless and a waste of your time.
i'm sorry.
1 comment:
Michelle & I always felt like this. Michelle more so than me! I've have had one decent relationship, but I screwed it up because I was too happy with how perfect things were going. I'll forever regret that.
There are good relationships and there are even some right in our family. My mom & David, Tim & Michelle & even Kim & Doug! They're all perfect examples of, well, not fairytale ending perfect, but really good relationships.
Don't think it can't happen because it will. Just remember that when it does happen for you don't be afraid to open your heart up. In other words, don't make the mistake I made.
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