Just lay entwined here, undiscovered.

I'm having one of those days. You know what i mean. When you wake up at ten o'clock and you don't feel like doing anything so you lay back down and you feel so comfortable that you don't want to move and then you end up sleeping until 2:30 in the afternoon. When you put the radio on and you find a really great song that you haven't heard in a long time only to find out it was the end of that great song. The day when you feel crappy because the weather is crappy and you don't have a choice to be in a good mood. When you are really hungry for something that isn't in your kitchen and you don't have any money to your name so you can buy it. The day when all you want to do is go back to sleep and keep dreaming about that one person that you haven't dreamed about for a long time and you don't understand how you could ever have stopped. Yeah, i'm having one of those days.

Finally.

So today was pretty sweet. I had to get up early to go to norristown so i could get my permit and I.D. card. And i passed my permit :) Yeah, i was pretty stoked. I'm totally terrified to drive though. So, i'm just gonna wait on that one.

Uhm, tonight i got to chill with megan and zach and i guess you could say todd too. I haven't really seen any of them for a long freaking time. So, it was pretty nice.

I'm so tired and worn out so i think i'm just gonna pass out now.

peace.


p.s. sorry for the past two blogs. they're kinda long i'll try not to write a freaking book the next time. :)

I feel it in the air the summer’s out of reach

I couldn't sleep last night or should i say this morning. I found myself staring out my window at 2 a.m. I looked at the world while everyone was asleep. Everything seemed so perfect. The stars were bright and scattered across the dark sky. I smelled the freshness of the air. The crickets were speaking to one another and it was the perfect soundtrack to all of my thoughts. It seems almost impossible that at that moment while i was thinking how much beauty there was in the world, there was someone or something trying to tell me otherwise. At that moment, someone was being beaten by someone they think loves them, someone was lost and just trying to be found, at that moment someone was crying and hurting themselves just to take the pain away. Someone was being born while someone else has died. It seems so unfair that they can't look upt to the sky and see the same stars that i see and realize that there is hope. You don't always have to hurt. You don't always have to be alone.

There is a quote that i found and it kind of goes with what i was thinking.

"Right now...Somebody is very proud of you. Somebody is thinking of you. Somebody is caring about you. Somebody misses you. Somebody wants to talk to you. Somebody wants to be with you. Somebody hopes you aren't in trouble. Somebody is thankful for the support you have provided. Somebody wants to hold your hand. Somebody hopes everything turns out all right. Somebody wants you to be happy. Somebody wants you to find him/her. Somebody is celebrating your successes. Somebody wants to give you a gift. Somebody thinks that you ARE a gift. Somebody hopes you're not too cold, or too hot. Somebody wants to hug you. Somebody loves you. Somebody admires your strength. Somebody is thinking of you and smiling. Somebody wants to be your shoulder to cry on. Somebody wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun. Somebody thinks the world of you. Somebody wants to protect you. Somebody would do anything for you. Somebody wants to be forgiven. Somebody remembers you and wishes that you were there. Somebody is praising God for you. Somebody needs to know that your love is unconditional. Somebody values your advice. Somebody wants to tell you how much they care. Somebody wants to share their dreams with you. Somebody wants to hold you in their arms. Somebody wants YOU to hold them in your arms. Somebody treasures your spirit. Somebody wishes they could STOP time because of you. Somebody praises God for your friendship and love. Somebody can't wait to see you. Somebody loves you for who you are. Somebody loves the way you make them feel. Somebody wants you to know they are there for you. Somebody's glad that you're his/her friend. Somebody wants to be your friend. Somebody stayed up all night thinking about you. Somebody is alive because of you. Somebody is wishing that you noticed him/her. Somebody wants to get to know you better. Somebody wants to be near you. Somebody has faith in you. Somebody trusts you. Somebody needs you to send them this letter. Somebody needs your support. Somebody needs you to have faith in them. Somebody will cry when they read this. Somebody needs you to let them be your friend. Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you."

If only more people in this world would read this quote and believed it. If only more people would look up at the stars each night and be aware that even though they are small compared to how big this world is, they still matter. Maybe after that, they wouldn't feel so lost or alone. Maybe there would be less pain and more hope in the world.

And it was that perfect moment that made me have this thought. Almost too perfect it seemed. Then a noisy car passed and it seemed like the perfect moment had vanished. I guess that's proof that nothing lasts forever. No matter how perfect it may be. It can all be gone with a blink of an eye. So, we shouldn't take anything for granted.

In a few moments, Summer will gracefully leave us and Autumn will be here. I couldn't be more happier if i tried. I am so looking forward to this season. Like i've said many times, it's my favorite and i wish it would stay forever. It's when the air isn't too cold or too hot and it's fresh and crisp. The leaves change their color as if someone went up to them and painted them by hand. They fall to the ground one by one so delicately and even though they're dead, they cover the ground so perfectly and when you step on them you hear that crunch sound. That's like music to my ears. The smell of burning leaves always puts me in a good mood and it reminds me of being a little girl again. Fall is the most beautiful season as it's the season of change. It's just wonderful and it makes me feel alive. However, along with fall comes change. Something i'm trying to get used to. Fall is the season of changes. People go back to school changed due to their summer experiences just like the leaves change their color because they no longer have the right amount of chlorophyll. But not only do the seasons and people change but so does expectations, love and friendship. No matter how much faith you have in something or someone, sometimes something big or small happens that makes you question what you thought about it or them before and it helps you define what you really believe in. Life never stays the same. It's constantly full of changes whether we like it or not. That's what keeps it interesting and challenging. Because without change, what kind of life would this be?

Don't let another day go by my love, It'll be just like starting over.

Enjoy your youth and act your age. Be young and laugh too much. You're inexperienced, immature and still growing. Don't rush to grow up, when it's too late you'll want to turn back. No one expects you to have all the answers or make all the right decisions, you still have time to learn and know what's best for you. Never take the ones closest to you for granted. Do one thing everyday that scares you. Say things you never would, do things you never thought you'd see yourself doing. Take risks and don't regret them. Never look back on your past and call your actions mistakes, the experience may have been bad but the outcome was positive, you learned from it - its from the worst experiences, we learn the best. Be loyal. Don't be wreckless with people's hearts and don't waste your time on people who are wreckless with yours. Don't take people for granted and never intentionally hurt one. Never get into something until you know you're ready and know what you want. It takes work, time and patience for a good relationship to develop. Respect others privacy and even if you don't like them, respect them as a person. Don't waste your time with jealousy, always think positive. You're not perfect - sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. In the end all you've got is yourself. Never degrade yourself or others around you. Remember the compliments you received, not the insults. Don't compare what you have to what everyone else around you has. Be happy with yourself - you've been granted the gift of living, the greatest gift of all. Make the most of it. Remember that as long as you're happy, nothing else matters. Be confident and have faith in yourself. Know what's best for you and believe in yourself because if you don't, you don't have control of your life anymore, everyone else around you does, so be strong, don't let one lead the life you're living. Never take someone else's advice. Advice is another's opinion, create your own. Live your own experiences and develop your own words of advice to live by. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Throwing it away is a way for you to walk back in to your past, fish it out, touch it up to use it for more than it's worth. It's only during the times we suffer, we realize our strength. Be considerate of others and never assume before you know the facts. Never be surprised at the fact that you're not perfect, you have ups and downs about you and it's difficult to hear them, but sometimes we need to in order to re-assess ourselves and be truthful. You are the only one who knows yourself the best, don't hide what you are or who are you - you may see the flaws in yourself, but making it apparent makes it easier for everyone else around you to notice. Understand the people you're with, see things from another's point of view, be empathic and try to become stoic, you'll end up never hurting yourself and becoming self-assertive. You may not always want to be the one who tells the truth when it doesn't want to be heard, but sometimes it helps one realize themselves. Don't set foot into your past, recreating the past and trying to fix it affects your future. Love who you are, be who you are and have self-respect. Be happy with yourself!

+ I came across that earlier today and it made me feel good about myself. Which is something i haven't done in a long time. It makes me want to start to "live" and not take anything for granted. For awhile i felt like i just sit around my house doing nothing. Not hangout with anyone, go anywhere or do anything but it's time for a change. I need to start living, i need to start over. Fall starts on monday so, that's going to be my goal. To start living, loving and enjoying my life because who knows when it's going to be over. I'm almost 19 and i haven't done half the things other kids my age have done. It's time to change that. From now on, i'm going to live by a quote that i made up. "Life is for the living, I'll sleep when i'm dead."

You better let somebody love you before it's too late.

I don't let anyone in. Well ok, maybe i should rephrase that sentence. I never let any guys in. I'm too afraid. I'm not really sure of what exactly. is it of being hurt? that i might freak and run the other way again? that it won't work out? that i would just get tired of them? or too afraid that my "space" would be invaded? the space that i've had to myself for almost 19 years. I don't know what my problem is. Seriously, i'm mad weird, dontcha think? I'm starting to think that maybe i wasn't built to be with someone. Maybe i was built to be single for the rest of my life. I just can't handle being with someone. Don't get me wrong it would be nice to be with someone and have someone care about me and be able to do all those cute couple things but it's just all awkward at the same time.

I guess i just haven't found anyone that lives up to the expectations i have for what my first real boyfriend should be like. I mean i've liked guys and they've liked me but i just can't go to the next step. Every guy that i've like has let me down in one way or another and i'm just sick of it. I just don't think any guy is ever good enough.

Maybe it's because i can't understand why anyone would love me enough for me to be their girlfriend. Like i don't know how i'd be able to handle the constant phone calls, the dates, and all of the things you have to do when you're in a relationship. It's seems so....committed? I hate saying that i'm afraid of committment if that's what it is. Because saying that, is like i just would rather be with lots of guys and i don't. I'd would rather stay with one guy but that's committing, isn't it?

Or, maybe i'm this way because i haven't seen one example of a good relationship in my life that i can learn from. Now as in good i don't mean fairytale perfect but good. You know where the couple who fights but in the end they still love each other. The one where no matter what happens they'll always be there for each other because that's what you do when you care about someone, right?

Now i'm not blaming all of this on all of the dysfunctional relationships i've seen in my life but i'm just saying maybe that has something to do with it, if anything at all. I just feel so lame that i'm 18 almost 19 and i haven't been able to have one boyfriend.

this was all pretty much pointless and a waste of your time.

i'm sorry.

Glory days well they'll pass you by in the wink of a young girl's eye.

I can't wait till fall. I can't wait to watch the leaves change their color. I can't wait until i can wear all of my fall clothes again. There's something about fall that i'm in love with. The change, the feeling of familiarity. Maybe it's because i was born at the end of October. I don't know. All i know is that i'm in love with fall and wish it would be all year around. Fall makes me happy, it makes me feel alive.

Just like listening to the music i grew up around. Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen and Meat Loaf were always filling the rooms in my old house. Now, no matter where i am all i have to do is listen to them and i feel like i'm home again. They make me feel safe and happy. That's the kind of music that makes me want to jump around or run through a field of wild flowers without a care in the world. I absolutely love that feeling. Just as much as i love fall. I wish i had a free spirit. The girl that wears the cute thrift store clothing and her beat up converse twenty four of seven. The one that has a creative mind and loves to be outside. The fun, easy going, unique, genuinally pretty girl. The one that listens to indie music while writing in her journal every second she can. The one who doesn't care what people say about her and stays out of drama. The one who isn't boy crazy and constantly playing their games. The one who believes in herself and is always optimistic. The girl who loves life and is filled with life. Yeah, i want to be that girl.

If you really want to hear about it...

"Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around - nobody big, I mean - except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff - I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be."

There were three girls standing on the sidewalk infront of my house. They seemed to be between the ages of 9-12. They were trying to get every car that passed them to honk for them. Every time that one did, they would get so happy and high five eachother then wait for the next car. After staring out the window at them for a few minutes, i started remembering all of the things that i did with my friends when i was their age. Playing kickball until dark, going to the bike trail, catching lightning bugs and getting ice cream from the ice cream man almost every summer night. All of these memories came rushing back and i just stood there still looking out at the girls'. Wondering if they knew what is ahead of them. What challenges they would be faced with in their life not to mention in the next couple of years. It's kind of like i had a Catcher in the Rye moment if you will. It made me sad to know that they are so innocent now but give them a few years and they won't be innocent anymore. Someone or something will take their innocence from them. And then they'll be like everyone else in this world.

At that moment when i realized this, i wish i could do what Holden Caulfield wanted to do. Catch them. As if they were running and if they weren't careful enough, they could fall of the cliff. But they wouldn't because i would be the one to catch them and save them all. But i guess you can't be responsible for one's innocence but your own. But even then, you're screwed.